Sarcastic Captions | Savage captions for instagram

Karma is a bitch, but so am I-u pick which one u want to get slapped by. :)

Since that very first time I laid my eyes on you,I knew in that moment that I wanted to spend the rest of my life..avoiding you

Lord give me patience because if you give me strength someone may end up dead.

Life is good! Why don’t you go get yourself one?

Can you do me a favor? Take a picture of yourself and send it to me. I am playing cards and seem to be missing the joker.

Roses are red, Violets are blue- i got five fingers on my hand, can you guess which one is for you?

you know some people just need a sympathetic pat-on the head-with a hammer-many times

Congratulations My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.

Some people leave a footprint on your heart, some times I wanna leave footprints on their face.

More I wish I could invent a vaccine to cure stupidity. I would be a millionaire!

Keep rolling your eyes, maybe you’ll find a brain back there.

I take super hot showers to practice burning in hell.

I correct auto correct more than auto-correct corrects me.

I’ve got a good heart but this mouth?

My boss asked me to start the presentation with a joke. I attached payslips on first slide.

It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend that you’re listening.

Do you know what I like about people? Their Dogs.

Everyone has the right to be stupid. But you are abusing the privilege.

My EX had one very annoying habit. Breathing.

You call them swear words. I call them sentence enhancers.

There are some that are wise, and others are Otherwise.

Are you free tomorrow? No I am expensive.

I would love to lose weight but I hate losing.

She said she loves me. I said ‘Yeah, I love myself too’.

Be like WiFi - Make sure people who go away always regret not being close to you.

A crush is like a username. The one you like is already taken.

People who spend half their time taking selfies should change their last name to .JPEG

The longer I wait, the hotter I date.

Secrets to success: A. Never reveal your secrets. B.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Some cause happiness wherever they go.. Others whenever they go.

I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

My superpower is making people laugh. Which would be great if I was trying to be funny.

Two wrongs don’t make a right, take your parents as an example.

The light at the end of the tunnel – are the front lights of a train.

Don’t regret doing things, regret getting caught.

I’m really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.

Take my advice — I’m not using it.

My job is secure. No one else wants it.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Sarcasm is the cleavage of personality and ironically enough,

A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.

My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that..

Why is the day that you do laundry, cook, clean, iron and so on, called a day off?

Smoking will kill you- Bacon will kill you-But,smoking bacon will cure it.

Girl you’re like a car accident, cause I just can’t look away.